Hey everyone. I just have to say, the title is slightly misleading. Or rather, it doesn’t tell the whole story. I am a high school nobody, but I’m a nobody trying to find my somebodies. Does that make sense?
I’ve been attending my high school for about 4 months and sometimes I still freak out at lunch when I have no one to sit by. Four months is a long time. When I moved to Costa Rica at the beginning of this school year, it took me about 2 months to find my people. It’s been double that, and I still feel lonely every day. I wouldn’t say I hate school, I just hate basically every social aspect of it. My days there aren’t entirely awful. Let’s just say Biology class is the highlight of my day. But I don’t want to spend 3 more years feeling lonely and separated. I’m just so tired.
I don’t want to go through high school like this. I go to school dreading almost all of my classes. Not just the kids though, some of the teachers make me want to rip out my hair and stuff it into my ears. (Not all of them are like that. A few of the teachers are absolutely magnificent.) And I can feel the distance taking a toll on my friendships back home. I’m trying to hang onto something, which is hard when your transition period is becoming longer and longer.
I feel like I’m stressing out my family. At school, I’m reserved and rarely have people to really talk to. And small talk doesn’t count. So when I get home, I’m wanting all their attention and conversation. I’m a bit much. I love my family so much. They are such incredible people who know exactly what to say to me and when to say it. I have so much fun with them. Unfortunately, I can’t spend all my time with them.
Honestly, I don’t get it. Not in the, omg I’m so cool! Who wouldn’t want to be my friend? kind of way. It’s just, I’ve been to so many different schools, and I’ve had a hard time making friends at quite a few of them. But it’s never been this long and this hard. Yeah, I know I’m shy at first, but I always find my place. And I feel like I’m a pretty nice girl so this whole thing is rather frustrating.
I’ve talked to my parents and other people about this, and a lot of the time they say this: “Well, are you sure you’re not closing yourself off? Are you making yourself approachable? Making friends isn’t easy, you have to take risks.” While this is good advice, I’ve heard it 40 million times. And I’ve lived it, as well.
My 7th grade year, I started at a new middle school. I was coming from one that I absolutely loved, and I was not happy at all about the downgrade I was being forced into. And so, due to my not being approachable, I spent most of that year feeling miserable and friendless. Every day, I would sit in the very middle of this lunch table with all these girls. And I would put my head down in the table and read the book I always had in my lap. I think I may have said 20-30 words to them throughout most of the year. So yeah, I get the whole “being approachable” thing. And that’s not what is happening here.
I will admit, I tend to shy away from being the person to break the ice. Normally, I get by with simply waiting for other kids to talk to me. But every once-in-a-while, I force myself to talk first. Which is incredibly hard for me. I don’t like making myself vulnerable for other people to hurt or reject me. About 2 weeks at my current high school, I started trying to put myself out there in order to make friends. And so I did. I gulped down all of my insecurities and self-doubt and fear and asked a girl I had been sitting in front of who had the same lunch as me (the next period). I turned around in my chair and asked if I could sit with her at lunch.
And she said no.
Not directly. But long story short. She said no.
Oh well, you don’t want to be friends with her anyway! Yeah, I know. It still hurt though. Aren’t there other girls you can be friends with? Well yes, there are other girls. That I can be friends with? Hmmm. That’s questionable.
I don’t mean to just point the finger at other people. But I feel like I’ve been hitting every bullet point on the checklist. Be approachable. Check. Smile to people even if you don’t know them. Check. Engage in conversation. Check. Take risks even though it’s terrifying. Check. So what am I doing wrong??
Great. I’m lonely and confused.
But I do have a glimmer of hope in all of this. There is another high school a little closer to where I live that I’m able to attend next year. But my heart grimaces at the thought of having another “first day”. I’d have to figure out new teachers, new schedule, new classes, and new kids. The last of which may be a plus. I don’t know. I want to go wherever God wants me to. Because then I know that even if it’s hard, good will come from it. But that could also apply to my current school. I just wish He would make it apparent which road He wants me to take. I hate making decisions.
I guess I just have to think about if those few amazing teachers and me feeling comfortably lonely is enough to keep me at my current school. Or should I risk it?
Thanks for reading my (slightly pessimistic) post! Don’t hesitate to comment if you have any questions or comments. And if you enjoyed what you read, maybe think about hitting that follow button. See ya!